Hmm...well, I have come to consider this little blog as an almost, personal journal. I mean it only gets 3 page views per month. So I believe that it's safe to say that those people have only stumbled upon this and will not ever visit again. Now it is time for some of the thoughts that have been jumbling about in my head for the past month or so. I will begin with my story. It starts in 6th...no 5th grade. Yes, what can a 5th grader know of anything right? Okay, so about five years ago, I began to get the notion that the only way I could ever be cool or "fit in" was to go against the flow, or become a hipster at the time. Which, for me as an Asian would mean being "stupid." I began to slack off in school (I know, 5th grade right? Ha. What a joke. But seriously, the choices I made then still affect me now in 10th grade). Especially in those important subjects such as math. The future was ever so far away until suddenly, last quarter of freshman year, something in my mind changed. I realized that the rest of my life was about to begin, and yes, what I do now really does affect how I will live my life in the future. Don't expect any answers on this page, only expect more and more questions. I wish that I had begun working harder earlier. My work ethic has never been up to par, especially as an Asian. Now, I'm living with two...less than satisfactory marks on my transcript. Like...lower than a B. I keep up an "image" at school, I'm not one of the brightest, but I'm smart you know? But if anyone ever actually saw my transcript, I would probably be judged to the highest degree. What if I don't get into college? Well, yes I know I've said before to trust in God. But it's hard...I'm still learning. And yes, I know that your intelligence and what college you go to don't define you as a person, but they do define your future and your opportunities right? For years, my head has been filled with a dreamers thought that, if only you believe and wish hard enough, you can achieve anything. And another one of my mottoes is that you always have a second chance. But this isn't always the case, especially in the category of grades.
Right now, spring break has just begun and I feel like I need a break, yet I am also struggling with my productivity. What am I supposed to do...rest? or make sure that I work hard now...so that I don't have to work as much later? Later in life, when I finally find my trust in God, I will be able to tell my children one day that grades aren't everything. But for now, I'm feeling lost and a little broken. But that's not much compared to what I know other's go through.
It's funny you know, how much I've changed. My values right now are completely different. I only wish that before, I could have told myself about how I see life now and how what I valued before, what people thought of me, will not matter as much now. Well, actually, even now, I struggle with how others perceive me. And I'm getting really tired of keeping up such a facade. Sure, most of the time I actually do enjoy being funny and bubbly, but when I'm not, it drains me. Being funny and all that seriously is helpful though. If you're ever too stressed, try not to get even more serious. Give yourself a break.
Right now you might be thinking, "Why is this girl with a bipolar personality and broken up thoughts giving me advice?" Truth is, I'm not. I just wanted you to see what is going on in this seemingly rational girl's head.
Ciao for now lovelies,
JEN. <3 p="">
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